Is your New Year’s resolution to have more sex? Better sex? Any sex at all? We can simplify that for you: As long as you’re not one of the following people, you’re probably doing OK.
The Woman Who Had A Sex Toy Stuck Inside Her For 10 Years
When it comes to love, it’s usually best to let go of the past, and that goes for sex toys, too. Unfortunately, a Scottish woman apparently didn’t get the memo, and wound up with a sex toy stuck inside her vagina for a decade, according to an article published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine this June.
The Teen Who Simulated Oral Sex With A Jesus Statue
In September, a 14-year-old from Pennsylvania was charged with "desecration of a venerated object," after allegedly simulating oral sex with the kneeling Jesus statue in front of the “Love in the Name of Christ” Christian center in his hometown of Everett.
Anyone Who Tried To Get Better At Oral Sex By Licking Their Phone
Relationship counselors say you should keep your phone out of the bedroom, but some people would say this is an exception. In March, a San Francisco-based team released an app called “Lick This” that promises to improve users’ cunnilingus skills. The catch? You have to lick your phone.
The Man Who Just Loves Pool Rafts Too Much
2014 saw Weird News hero Edwin Tobergta get his third arrest for having sex with an inflatable pool raft. The Ohio man was caught with his pants down in an alley making sweet love to his neighbor’s raft in 2011, then again in 2013 with the exact same raft. It’s unclear if his 2014 arrest involved the same toy, (seriously, when is his neighbor going to get rid of that?) but it’s clear he has a type.
Alaskans
Average intercourse time for Alaskans is shorter than for residents of any other U.S. state, according to sex-tracking App Spreadsheets. The average time for the northernmost state is a quick-and-dirty 1 minute and 21 seconds. Is the data collected by this app extremely limited and not scientific or definitive at all? Yes. Is this still funny? Yes.
Paul Aronson
This 84-year-old man reportedly met 17-year-old twins through a sugar daddy website in November. When he brought the duo back to his apartment for a drink, the night shockingly didn’t end well. Cops say the girls tied him up with zip ties, stole $420 in cash and took his credit card.
Anyone Who Uses These Sex Toys
The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo debuted some new sex toys last February that are more likely to make most people laugh than moan in ecstasy. But if you do get personal enjoyment out of a lube fountain or a My Little Pony-themed butt plug, please email us and tell us how wrong we are.
The Couple Who Got Suctioned Together Having Sex In The Ocean
It turns out sex in the ocean sucks. An Italian couple looking to make waves in their love life tried to have sex in the ocean and reportedly became suctioned together and unable to separate. The two ended up having to go to an emergency room, where the lady received an injection that’s “usually used to dilate the uterus of pregnant women.”
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